Monday, August 16, 2010

Monday, it is again.

Hell, it's Monday, so laugh already.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac,

 Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify. 

 His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, 

"...passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco
Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out
some lint and two dimes and something that used to be
a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a
five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to
grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo
said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior
citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard
the sound of change hitting the counter in front of
me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet
... a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck
wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As
I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and
headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and
there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and
jingled it in front of me, like I could be that
easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to
rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly
makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped
the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from
my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging
from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects
came into focus. The car seat in the back. Happy
Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A
partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out
of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding
out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my
stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned,
and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was
nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final
time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the
world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I
leave my food and drink in here?" At this point
I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back
to my vehicle, and then go straight home and
apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on
my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up
a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I
think you left this in my truck by mistake." I
took the food and drink from the little boy and
sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My
grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket
doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk
kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer,
I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me
halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of
cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs
with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my
way home.
I Found this for sale on a airsoft site
Is this a good way to get shot at the mall or what?

Until Tomorrow,
Stay Thirsty my Friends.

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