Tuesday, July 27, 2010

To catch up on my Mondays,,,,,

I give you laughs for Tuesdays.

1.  Don't pick a fight with an old man.  If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2.  If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.  
3.  I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.  
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.  
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers.  The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?'  The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'   
 6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.  'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am.  If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.' 
7. Beware of the man who only carries one gun.  HE  PROBABLY  KNOWS  HOW  TO  USE  IT !!! 
Never saw the show, but from what I know about it, I am happy it ended this way

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house.  I said I did.  She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!'  To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!'  She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?'  My reply was, “No not at all.    I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.
Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. 

He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet  Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard.  Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.'. Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. 

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted,  but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?

'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up. 

'Mohammed higher than Jesus!  Man!'  Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.  

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: Are you Mohammed?...' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee..?' 'Yes!  Please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 
'Hey Mohammed-- two coffees!'
Be afraid of old gals, with guns, be very afraid.

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
Never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
And comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
Thought she could do to live without fear
And forget regret. He will enable her to
Express her deepest emotions and give in to
Her most intimate desires. He will make sure
She always feels as though she's the most
Beautiful woman in the room and will enable
Her to be the most confident sexy seductive and invincible.

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of alcoholic beverages.
Never mind.

This sure looks a lot like an airsoft gun, with some fake linked ammo 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispers to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explains, trying to keep it simple.

The child thinks about this for a moment, then says: "So why's the groom wearing black?"

I told the guys on my team we ran out of Red Bull, in retrospect, I think that was a mistake. 

A Montana State Trooper was patrolling late
at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car,
with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a
computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman
in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the
car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man
lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat
the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in a lover's lane  ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her .... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and
replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes..'

This pic provided as a public service for all of you looking for that PMC/Goober loadout.
Your welcome.

That's all for now, I'm sure I manged to offend so many people in such a brief time frame.

Till Tomorrow,
Stay thirsty my friends.

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