OK, so only 5 minutes of it are left on the east coast, but hey, what else is a deadline for.
Monday is for laughs
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a rescue helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ......
under a rescue helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ......
THE OLD RANCHER
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said,
'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old Guys
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said,
'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old Guys
SOMEONE WAS DAMN TALENTED
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I,
listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and
whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.........
I love this game, I get to a town with a Dave and Busters and I spend a fortune there.
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. "Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the
same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one. " He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. "Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the
same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one. " He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
And that, my friends, is precisely what's going on with our federal government in Washington, D.C,
Sucks to get old,
BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts." That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started".
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts." That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started".
Till Tomorrow,
Stay Thirsty my Friends.
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